Talk Show fever
by Dramaphile
Summary: Welcome to The Ricki Jesse Springer Jones Show! Today's show: Secret Office Crushes Revealed!


  
Title: Talk show fever [any better ideas?]  
  
Author: Drama Xfdramababe@bolt.com  
  
Category: Humor, MSR, Story, Parody, Fowl-torture  
  
Spoilers: The End, One Son, Two Fathers, basically, if you know who Diana Fowley[or as I fondly refer to her, DIEana FOULey]  
  
Rating: PG for violence and a little kissing. All language has been thoroughly bleeped by the censors  
  
Disclaimer: Although I asked for them for Xmas, alas, I do not own Mulder and Scully[only the action figures...] I don't want to own Dieana Fouley, and I resurrected her for purely evil reasons, one being torture and a good chick fight. The talk show in this story is my own hybridized creation and if it bears any resemblance to any talk show you've ever seen...well, it should because it's a talk show spoof, and if SNL can do it, by golly, I can make fun of it too... I'm making absolutely no money whatsoever off of this little sucker, so please don't sue me...  
  
Notes: This is the product of a very poorly documented syndrome. Although common, it has had very little research and the New England Journal of Medicine has yet to recognize it as a legitimate disease, but its sufferers know it all too well. The people who daily suffer its effects know it by many names, I call it "Talk Show Fever" It is believed to be caused by too much free time, the lack of enriching daytime programming and the overabundance of daytime TV talk shows. I am one of its sufferers and I believe this is the primary reason for this sucker's existence. Yeah, I need help, but I can't help myself and until there is more research done/the daytime TV people put on things more interesting than soaps and Barney, I will continue to suffer...it is the only way.... Now on with the show... so to speak....  
  
"Talk Show Fever"[tentative title] by Drama  
  
Cheesy saxophone music plays in the background as the camera pans over the applauding audience. The camera comes to rest on a woman, about 30 years old wearing a smart pantsuit with short blond hair and a large microphone. Music fades out  
  
"Hello and welcome to the Ricki Jesse Springer-Jones Show, I'm Ricki Jesse Springer-Jones!"  
  
audience cheers loudly  
  
"Today, "Secret Office Crushes Revealed!""  
  
Cheesy graphic comes on screen and music plays again. Camera pans back to Ricki Jesse Springer-Jones  
  
"Our first guest is Fox. Fox is an FBI agent from the DC area. He is here because one of his co-workers has a crush on him. Why don't we bring him out!"  
  
Large wooden doors on the side on the stage open and Fox enters to the loud cheers of the audience and a few wolf whistles from three large black women in the back row. He sits in an armchair center stage and flashes a million dollar grin to the audience, promoting more whistles and catcalls from the back row. Ricki looks him over for a moment, enjoying his physique, accented by a tight gray T-shirt and black jeans.  
  
"Now, Fox, You are here because one of your co-workers has decided to reveal her secret crush on you. Do you have any ideas as to who it might be?"  
  
He shifts in his chair  
  
"Well, actually, not really. I mean, I have a few ideas, but there's nothing concrete and I don't want to get my hopes up."  
  
"Okay, well, before you can see who it is, we want to give you a chance to guess who it is, so we're going to blindfold you and bring her out and talk to her, and maybe you'll be able to figure it out on your own!"  
  
Two burly men come out of the wings with a black blindfold and put it on him making sure Fox can't see.  
  
"Alright. Can you see anything?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
Screen caption reads "Fox is about to find out who has a secret crush on him"  
  
"Great! Let's bring her out!"  
  
A woman walks in from the wings, smiling brightly, and sits on a stool near Fox's chair  
  
"Now, you're here because you want to reveal your crush on Fox."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Now, how did you meet Fox?"  
  
"Well, we worked together a long time ago and We had a relationship and then it all kind of fell apart and now that he's back in my life, where I work, I want to try again with what we had"  
  
"Alright. So, Fox, Do you have any ideas as to who this might be?"  
  
He pauses, deep in thought  
  
"Um... Phoebe? No.. wrong accent...um... Bambi?"  
  
The woman looks irritated  
  
"No.."  
  
"Angela?"  
  
"No...."  
  
"Kristen?"  
  
"No.."  
  
her voice is tense and irritated  
  
"Well...gee.. I...uh... I don't have a clue then..."  
  
"It's ME! Dammit! Diana!!! I can't believe you can't even figure out it was your bleeping ex-partner!! You son of a Bleeping Bleep!!  
  
He throws off the blindfold, looking disgusted. And scoots his chair about three feet away from her and cringes  
  
"You think that I would take you back after all the Bleep you caused in my life? Ha! You betrayed me, Diana, and I can't forgive you for that! I know what you've been doing, who you're working with and I'm ashamed to know you! After all our work, you had to do that to me, and now you expect me to just take you back? Bleep you, you bleeping bleep!!!"  
  
Ricki looks a bit confused  
  
"What exactly did Diana do to you that makes you so angry?"  
  
"We were partners a long time ago, nearly seven years, and we were involved... She left me a long time ago, I had to get over it, and I moved on. Last year, she came back. She just came waltzing in on my life and moved back into my territory. I found out that while she was gone, she started working with the people trying to shut down what I've been doing in the FBI and she's been helping them. I was blind at first, but I know what you did to me and as far as I'm concerned, you can go to hell!"  
  
"Well, this is more interesting than we expected. Diana, do you have anything to say to Fox?"  
  
Diana looks up and wipes her eyes with her sleeve  
  
"Fox.. I.. I love you... You know I only did it for you, baby... Please... you've got to understand.. please.."  
  
Fox's eyes are cold, his jaw set and his posture overbearing  
  
"Go Bleep! your Bleeping boss!"  
  
Diana bursts into tears and runs off stage. The camera follows her into the bathroom and she breaks the camera and punches the cameraperson. Two security guys restrain her  
  
Camera switches to stage. Fox is still stone cold. Camera goes to   
Ricki Jesse Springer Jones  
  
"Now, we have something unprecedented today. When we had the requests for people who wanted to reveal their office crushes, we had two women who wished to reveal a crush on Fox. You must be a very popular man in the FBI, Fox!"  
  
"More than you know...."  
  
"So, let's blindfold you again and bring out bachelorette number two!"  
  
Fox gets blindfolded and out walks another woman. She sits on the stool. She looks very nervous  
  
"Alright, now why do you have a crush on Fox?"  
  
"Well, I've known him for a long time now, and he's practically my best friend, and I've always been kinda attracted to him, but I never realized how much I love him until I saw your show and Then I knew I had to go on and tell him. Otherwise, I'd just chicken out and never tell him how I feel."  
  
Fox listens intently, with a bit of amazement in his face  
  
"Is there anything you'd like to tell him?"  
  
"Mulder, it's me."  
  
As if by a cue, Fox leaps out of his chair, throws off the blindfold and pulls Dana into his arms, kissing her passionately. Ricki Jesse Springer Jones smiles, amused. Suddenly, Diana rushes onto the stage and rips Dana away from Fox, attacking her  
  
"You Bleepin bleepity bleep bleep!! Get away from him! He's mine, you Bleepin Bleep!!!!!"  
  
Dana fights fire with fire, pulling punches and ripping at Diana's face with her perfectly manicured nails. She grabs a handful of hair and yanks at it. To her surprise, Diana's hair falls off to reveal a crusty bald scalp underneath. The whole audience erupts into laughter. Diana fights back with fury, grabbing at Dana's T-Shirt and Jeans. Dana gives her a quick kick in the stomach and the crowd erupts into shouts of "Ricki Jesse Springer Jones! Ricki Jesse Springer Jones! Ricki Jesse Springer Jones! Ricki Jesse Springer Jones! Ricki Jesse Springer Jones!" who eventually dies out into mumbled tongue twisting and blithering. Dana continues her assault until the burly guards drag Diana away, bruised and beaten to a pulp. Dana comes away, nursing a horrible broken nail wound. Fox takes her hand, kissing her injured nail and then goes at her mouth again like a horny sophomore. The camera focuses on them for a moment, then the cheesy saxophone music plays again and the camera moves to Ricki Jesse Springer Jones  
  
"Well, that's all the time we have for today, join us tomorrow for "I married my cousin and now he's a cheating bisexual transvestite who wants to be a club dancer!" Thank you all for coming!"  
  
Ricki Jesse Springer Jones waves to the camera before it settles on Dana and Fox again, who are STILL going at each other. The credits roll and fade out  
  
  
This has been a PsychoDrama Phile Production  
  
Bling bling!  
  
  
Thank you for watching the Ricki Jesse Springer Jones show! Hope you enjoyed the program! If you have any questions, comments praise, flowers or Pulitzer prizes, feel free to send them to   
  
Xfdramababe@bolt.com   
  
Come and visit the insanity!   
http://www.geocities.com/xfdramababe  



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